The last three months have gone by insanely fast. Life around me has moved on and just when I thought I wouldn't be able to let go and move forward, I received my last lab results. My HCG levels are back to normal, no more doctor's appointments and lab visits to bring the pain of losing our baby to the surface. I still feel the extreme sting of loss, the pain, and see reminders constantly. Through it all though, I'm thankful for everything I've been through. It has proven to me that I am a strong person, inside and out. It has brought my husband and I closer, our marriage is stronger now than ever before and we are continuing to grow, together. The loss of a child is like no other. It is an entirely different feeling and I've realized that healing isn't an over night process, it's going to take quite some time. Our family will never be the "normal" we were before and I'm okay with that.
Over the last three months I have thrown myself into anything I could, feeling the need to constantly keep busy. Although, I avoided most friends and family or they avoided me, I would go on outings with my husband and two children just to "get away" from my feelings for a bit. I found they followed me and I would feel guilty for having fun. I was angry for weeks, angry at myself, angry at my body for not doing it's job of carrying a baby to full term, angry that my body took weeks to realize the baby no longer had a heartbeat. I beat myself down to the ground and have only now slowly started to rebuild myself. It felt like I was in a never-ending storm, but I finally realized my rainbow was there all along, I just had to choose it. I'm sure that it will surprise most when I say what it is, for others they will question why, how, and why didn't I choose it to begin with. My faith in God is my rainbow. There is no explanation from there. Because those of you who know the love of God will understand. I picked my Bible up, blew the dust off and started reading verses. It had been quite some time since I had a conversation with Jesus, it was long overdue. The peace I felt immediately after is indescribable. I went from feeling angry at God, the people in my life, complete strangers, my husband, and myself to feeling grateful for everything I do have. Simply by the grace of God I have started to move forward. I bought a new devotional book to start reading, one of those that have the month/day at the top of the page. Here is the devotion from THE day I purchased the book:
"Worship Me in the beauty and holiness. All true beauty reflects some of who I am. I am working My ways in you; the divine Artist creating loveliness within your being. My main work is to clear out debris and clutter, making room for My spirit to take full possession. Collaborate with Me in this effort by being willing to let go of anything I choose to take away. I know what you need, and have promised to provide all of that--abundantly! Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions or in things going your way. I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation."
Those words spoke out to me in a way I never dreamed possible.
