Giving Is Better Than Getting

This is our first year as a family packing shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child. I remember doing it as a child, but didn't realize until recently that it was still being done. After a few searches I found what I was looking for on the Samaritan's Purse website where you can discover what packing a shoe box is all about, how to pack a shoe box, build a shoe box online, and much more. While browsing on their website, I stumbled across their family resources page where it talks about the new Veggie Tales movie Merry Larry & The True Light of Christmas and their partnership with Focus on the Family to provide a guide for those participating in Operation Christmas Child. All of this sparked my interest even more. I discovered coloring pages, a discussion guide to go along with the movie, and several other items to create your own packing party. Before I read most of that my mind was already made up that our family was going to pack a few shoe boxes ourselves. My husband and I took both of our kids to the local store and allowed them to pick out items to place in their shoe boxes. I was overwhelmed at how ecstatic my eight year old was at picking things out for less fortunate children. We were probably there an hour or more narrowing down what would fit in a box and wouldn't work, or wasn't allowed to be sent. Afterwards we picked up our very own copy of Merry Larry & The True Light of Christmas.

Tonight we watched Merry Larry, twice. Both of my children glued to the TV, although I'm not really sure that my two-year old understands any of it. The movie is about a little girl with only one Christmas wish, which is to help a friend in need. I paused the movie a few times during the second viewing to openly discuss what was happening with my oldest, how we could help in our community, what we could do, and how we can pack our shoe boxes to be sent to other children. Tomorrow will be packing day for us, our own little packing party. 

Our family has definitely found a new Christmas tradition, just in time for the holidays. Merry Larry and packing Operation Christmas Child shoe boxes. I wonder what other way we can find to give back and spread the joy of Christmas to others, I will have to see what I can find. After all, giving is better than getting!

"Christmas shines most bright and true when you give the love God gave to you!"

From the overview of Merry Larry & The True Light Of Christmas

Healing After A Loss.

The last three months have gone by insanely fast. Life around me has moved on and just when I thought I wouldn't be able to let go and move forward, I received my last lab results. My HCG levels are back to normal, no more doctor's appointments and lab visits to bring the pain of losing our baby to the surface. I still feel the extreme sting of loss, the pain, and see reminders constantly. Through it all though, I'm thankful for everything I've been through. It has proven to me that I am a strong person, inside and out. It has brought my husband and I closer, our marriage is stronger now than ever before and we are continuing to grow, together. The loss of a child is like no other. It is an entirely different feeling and I've realized that healing isn't an over night process, it's going to take quite some time. Our family will never be the "normal" we were before and I'm okay with that.

Over the last three months I have thrown myself into anything I could, feeling the need to constantly keep busy. Although, I avoided most friends and family or they avoided me, I would go on outings with my husband and two children just to "get away" from my feelings for a bit. I found they followed me and I would feel guilty for having fun. I was angry for weeks, angry at myself, angry at my body for not doing it's job of carrying a baby to full term, angry that my body took weeks to realize the baby no longer had a heartbeat. I beat myself down to the ground and have only now slowly started to rebuild myself. It felt like I was in a never-ending storm, but I finally realized my rainbow was there all along, I just had to choose it. I'm sure that it will surprise most when I say what it is, for others they will question why, how, and why didn't I choose it to begin with. My faith in God is my rainbow. There is no explanation from there. Because those of you who know the love of God will understand. I picked my Bible up, blew the dust off and started reading verses. It had been quite some time since I had a conversation with Jesus, it was long overdue. The peace I felt immediately after is indescribable. I went from feeling angry at God, the people in my life, complete strangers, my husband, and myself to feeling grateful for everything I do have. Simply by the grace of God I have started to move forward. I bought a new devotional book to start reading, one of those that have the month/day at the top of the page. Here is the devotion from THE day I purchased the book:

"Worship Me in the beauty and holiness. All true beauty reflects some of who I am. I am working My ways in you; the divine Artist creating loveliness within your being. My main work is to clear out debris and clutter, making room for My spirit to take full possession. Collaborate with Me in this effort by being willing to let go of anything I choose to take away. I know what you need, and have promised to provide all of that--abundantly! Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions or in things going your way. I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation."

From, Jesus Calling

Those words spoke out to me in a way I never dreamed possible.

Life. Death. Pain.

It's been so long since I've sat in front of this computer to write a blog about anything, much less what I'm fixing to write about. But I have a feeling that getting some of my thoughts out will help me heal; so we will see.

On July 4, 2013 we found out we were expecting, a new bundle of a joy, our own little firecracker surprise. It's an amazing feeling as most of you know to find out your carrying a life, a tiny human being, that feeling is indescribable. There are simply no words to describe the joy, love, and pure happiness that you feel in the very moment. It's amazing, because almost as soon as you see that positive line on a pregnancy test (or five if you are like me and cannot believe the first results) how quick your body starts to feel pregnant. All the signs, symptoms of carrying such a wonderful thing. The nausea, sore boobs, the tightness in your belly that can only result from a baby, the cravings, the mood swings, the emotional roller coaster of it all. Even through all that, it's still amazing, because you know that the end result is absolutely priceless. A love like no other develops when you are carrying a child and once that child is born it's like watching your heart or hearts for multiple children walking around outside your body. It's unbelievable the love you can feel just by watching your child play, eat, sleep. Oh how they sleep, so peacefully. But as many have also experienced, there can come that one day that NO parent should ever have to go through. The simple words, yet so utterly complex, "There is no fetal heartbeat." In that moment you can feel an abundance of emotions. I felt suffocated. I felt like a piece of me was being ripped away, right then in that moment, gone.

On August 15, 2013, I went in for what was supposed to be a regular OB appointment (my first, since the doctor's office is so busy) and it turned into a nightmare. An unending nightmare. One that you cannot wake up from. As everyone congratulated me, blood pressure was checked, the normal routine of visiting the OB everything was wonderful and going as planned. The doctor came into the exam room with the doppler (as from my experience most do at nearly every OB appt.) and we talked a few minutes and then she tried to hear a heartbeat. No luck. So she thought it may be too early to hear it that way and brought the ultrasound machine in to see if she could see it that way. After a few moments of silence and I knew by looking at her face that something was wrong, she uttered the words "I see something right here, it could be really really early for you, or it could be an undeveloped pregnancy." The words NO one wants to hear. After telling me to go to the lab for bloodwork, scheduling me for an ultrasound by the technician the next day, and a follow-up appointment for 5 days later I was on my way. In shock. The next few hours were a blur as I tried to not cry, tried to keep the hope that it was a simple mistake, and then nightfall came. With that much on your mind, it's impossible to sleep. The night crept by to early morning hours, then finally daylight came and it was time to get ready for what could be the best appointment or the worst.

August 16, 2013; Sitting in the waiting room with women waiting to find out the gender of their baby while I waited to find out if mine was even alive was harsh, to say the least. Everyone so happy, peppy, and excited to see/hear their baby and get on with their weekends. It seemed like an eternity later (15 minutes of waiting) we were finally called back to that dark ultrasound room. We waited some more as she moved the wand around to get the best pictures, views, and studied the screen. Finally she said that she was going to take just a few more pictures and then she would tell us what she saw. That seemed like forever. All I wanted to hear was that everything was okay, that does not even come close...."I can see a sac right here and right here is where I should see a flicker for the heartbeat, but I don't. I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat." I turned away to stare at the shaded window and began to cry. And cry. And cry. The ultrasound technician handed me a box of tissue and left the room to give us a few minutes. My boys sat there not really understanding what was going on, my husband in just as much shock as me. After about five minutes she came back into the room, told me what to expect and when I should go to the ER, and sent us on our way. Walking back out into the waiting room still full of happy, pregnant women we left and made our way home.

It seemed the weekend was the longest I've ever experienced, I longed for the questions in my mind to be answered. Knowing that an abundance of them could and never will be answered. I longed for clarification, confirmation, and a discussion with my doctor. August 20, could not get here quick enough. Three and a half days of little sleep, plenty of time to google things, and just silently grieve. Having two other children that needed me, my husband, things had/have to be as normal as possible. Tuesday finally arrived and we made our way back into that waiting room full of pregnant women, thankfully my doctor had noted for me to be placed in an exam room as soon as I arrived so we didn't have to sit in the waiting room long. That is by far the longest, hardest, doctor's visit I've ever had to endure. Lots of prepared explaining on her part, questions on our part, which led to more questions and more responses. We left feeling more at ease that there was nothing we did or could have done, it just simply wasn't meant to be. That does help me, whereas it may not help others, I'm okay with that response (today). Tomorrow is a different story though. So now we wait and continue weekly appointments. It's hard, still knowing that I'm carrying this baby around, but he/she is no longer mine, but in the hands of God. An angel. My angel baby. Our angel baby.


"When death comes, especially the death of a child, it is never, ever the right time. That special part of you is taken away so quickly. And, no, it never seems fair. Life goes on for all of those around us, but for those who have lost a child, time just stands still. Time no longer has meaning."
-Taken from Silent Grief by Clara Hinton

It has been quite some time.

Wow! I didn't realize how long it had been since I've been on here. Time has been slipping right through my fingers. We have been extremely busy with baseball; practices, games, tournaments, and we finally finished the season last week at district Allstar tournaments. Whew! Time to relax and take a breather. Not much of summer left and have so much to do! Planning and prepping for our upcoming school year; yet having fun and relaxing are top priority the next couple of weeks.

Enjoy summer! :)

Birthdays and Ballgames!

Wow! It has been quite some time since I've had a moment to be on here. Feels good to open these pages again and be able to take a minute to get things out. Whew, after a 5-day stay at my mom's for the little ones second birthday in which seemed like it took a week to recover. We were busy little bees while there! We went to local parks, the nearest beach, Bass Pro (I mean come-on, what two year old doesn't want to visit Bass Pro on his birthday), and the zoo. You add in the six hours down there and six hours back, yeah, it was exhausting but SO much fun! Since being back we have been wrapped up in ball games with the oldest. Just last week alone they played six games! Yes, I said six. That means six times I had to run the washer with just a uniform to get it done in time for the next game. We won't even talk about Friday nights (late) double header, washing uniform, no sleep, having to be at the ballfield Saturday morning at 9:30; meaning I had to have both kids fed, dressed, and sunscreened up to be out the door super early after a night of no sleep for me! We'll just skip that ordeal entirely. Just the thought of it makes me tired. The joys of having a kid in sports. Geez, I have no clue what I will do when it's time for the youngest to start playing, if he chooses to that is. Baseball will be over in less than a month, so I'll tough it out until then. After all I am a cooler totin', cleat huntin', uniform washing, hootin' hollerin', baseball mom! I mean, they always say "diamonds are a girl's best friend", in my case it's the baseball diamond! Play ball!

Little one turns two!

Where does the time go? It's the littlest ones birthday today. Happy 2nd Birthday to my little man!♥ I cannot believe you are already two, where has the time gone. Seems as if it was just yesterday that we were finding out that we were expecting a baby, a few months later a boy, and then a few months later you were here! You are amazing and I love being at home with you and your brother everyday. You are definitely a goofball at times, but try to be so serious, although that doesn't last before you burst out into laughter. Your sweet giggles can make anyone around you laugh.

Now let's get serious, all the sweet stuff I've mentioned comes from me. Your wonderful, amazing, tired mother. Everything else is your dad's fault. Hahaha. Look at it this way, any bad habits (burping, farting, tantrums, etc) come from your dad. Blame him when all that nastiness turns off a woman when you're way older and I do mean WAY older (like 25). I know I say way older, but I believe you'd be a great catch now. After all, you know how to bake (cookies), clean the toilet (Elmo blanket works miracles in that bowl), clean up your cereal (try to make it disinigrate into the living room rug), how to wash clothes, (putting freshly folded clean clothes back into the wash), and vacuum (throwing any and everything into the path of the vacuum cleaner). And let's not forget how you love to feed the dog....by throwing your lunch on the floor. Yes, yes, I saw you do it. Not so sneaky, you will learn before long that moms have eyes everywhere. Who couldn't love all of this sweetness though? Such a great help at such a young age. Let's just hope your cleaning skills improve a bit and you realize Elmo doesn't belong in the toilet. ♥

Now on a more serious note;
STOP GROWING! I want you to stay little forever.


-Love Mom.

P.S. Always remember that I was only responsible for the first nine months, after that you were exposed to your father.

One day after your BIRTHday! ♥ So small and so cute!

Have no clue what's going on with the time stamp, this was taken  last week (4/16/13)

♥

Cheese!

Embarrassing....

Kids really do say/do the darndest things. Around Christmas 2012 we were shopping for a gift for my husband's grandmother. We're walking around and around the store just trying to come up with ideas. Well as we are walking we walked past the lingerie department and my oldest son exclaimed (while grabbing a bra) "Let's buy Nana one of these! She would love it." My husband I shit you not must have turned 50 shades of red and picked up his pace a little bit. Which by doing so my son decided to ask what it was, simply curious, not knowing. Well...my husband being my husband proceeds to call it a "Boulder Holder" (just like a man)...After this you can see the wheels just a turning in the mind of my then 7-year old. Then out of a nowhere he grabs my boob, yes in the middle of the store, and goes "OH! MOM THIS IS WHAT THAT'S FOR, ISN'T IT?" I could have fell out right then and there, store full of strangers, and my child's hand on my boob. It was like time stopped for a minute and if I could I would have sucked myself down into the floor so that no one could have seen me. I'm usually not embarrassed easily, but this, this was very embarrassing. I'm sure there will be many more instances this embarrassing to come and I'm sure one day I will embarrass my kids like this. Let the games begin!

Now what did I do with those naked baby pictures.....after all who can resist a cute little baby tush!


What have your kids done that have embarrassed you?